It’s instinctual. I could sense they were wrong for me before I even knew why.
My gut knew better.
I have this sad thought that makes me almost feel sorry for my younger self. I think I was used more than I was loved.
Desired more than I was respected.
And I did not care.
It’s remarkable how much a person can learn in their youth. We can be so painfully naive.
I don’t think they ever saw me as I am.
I don’t think they were capable of it.
But You are capable. The first and only man to be.
Too much of my youth spent in the company of weak men(?).
I, a silly young idealist, always barking up the all too ill advised tree, grasping to make something out of a something that was totally wrong before it even started as my instincts had predicted.
I had a nightmare and one of them, of my past was with me and I was furious with my dream self. I thought “how did I end back here?”
After behaving romantically he then quickly eradicated the seemingly calm facade that has initially been portrayed and he belittled me, called me names and made me small and I felt foolish.
His skill was being very good at being very bad to me. He made me feel as though my existence was some kind of a personal insult to him.
I was enraged because I’d rather not be reminded of how things were at one time, I was angry that I let it get that bad and I was repulsed that this person, this previous cancer to my soul could turn on a dime and be both sweet and evil and tear me apart and I didn’t know which one of their polarized personalities was their real self so I held out futile hope.
I was patient and supportive and I was betrayed and abandoned once and then twice and then one more time but not before he had infected me with the belief that I was nothing. It didn’t take long for me to see that he had been wrong.
I feel only indifference now and I have taken the good with the bad and share some of the blame and can now appreciate it all for what it was and what it never was. But nightmares sure have a way of reminding you of things that you don’t think much about but still fear. It seems I’m afraid of moving backward.
During the nightmare, despite it reminding me of how terribly I had once allowed a single person to make me feel, I was still acutely aware that it wasn’t my current life and I was happy that I would wake up.
And I did,
I woke up
I’ve spent the past year waking up.