There are still times, few and far between, when I suddenly will become enraged again. Something will remind me of what happened and I hate him. Eventually it passes and then I feel a hollow indifference.
I wish it ended long before but it didn’t. It was a slow rotting cancer disguised as young passion. I’m ashamed of myself during this time. I made myself sick and hurt until I had nothing left to feel for him. He took all he could from me and I willingly gave it all away. It was all too clear at the end that he had shown me who he had become and that’s when I knew that the person I thought I had cared about all those years no longer existed. Sometime during the first lacerating insult riddled shouting matches and his first year of law school there began a de-evolution of compassion. A man that at times could almost seem possessed with hate for me as strong as the love he claimed he also felt.
He began making it a habit of calling me names when he’d get drunk and then profusely apologize the next morning and hit a restart button as if words were nothing but sounds, as if I could forget them. I convinced myself that maybe I could. But that was only the beginning of the end. After we moved from Boston to the south and then back to Boston when he had transferred law schools. In Boston is where he would leave me, cheat on me, come back and do it again a few times over until I no longer recognized my life, let alone this person I had spent 3 years with.
The anger was toxic so I gave it up and just felt sad. Sad that I got so caught up and lost. Sad for both of us. Sad for my younger idealistic self. Sad for what maybe could have been. Sad for the women who started treating herself poorly which led others to do the same. Sad for the guy who couldn’t be loyal and sad for the woman who let loyalty blind her. Mostly I was sad that I lost a person that meant a lot to me. But once the sadness was gone I felt relief, joy, a sense of renewal.
I recall a conversation with a close friend of mine who remarked on my break up and how I dealt with it, I told her “I feel like I’ve died a million tiny deaths and then gave birth to myself.” That description is as close to the reality of that time in my life.
I sometimes think if he knew me now he’d hate me because of how much more confident I am and I we love that thought! I’m myself unabashedly and fully. I speak up and I’m heard. I depend on no one to be my happiness. I’m the love of my life first and foremost and because of that I don’t surrender to the anxieties that make me doubt myself.
Because I started treating myself better I’m capable of being in a healthy relationship with an amazing man. A man who doesn’t make me question my worth, he never raises his voice to me, he has tremendous self control and patience. He is supportive and understanding but also capable of challenging me and making me look at the world differently. He makes me laugh and moves me to tears with his sweet gestures. I never question his intentions. He is genuine. He is in touch with his emotions and never shuts me out. He is transparent and he is committed. He sees me as an equal. He never makes fun of me when I have an obscure idea or thought. We respect each other and trust each other.
I’m not lucky to have him. I deserve him and I have learned that I always deserved a love like the one I now have. It just took too many years for me to realize it but I’m thankful that I finally did.